Opinions

QUESTION:  I recently attended a funeral and noticed the “black ribbons” on extended family.   By that I mean they were being worn by grandparents, aunts and uncles and other relatives who do not sit shiva.  Is that inappropriate?  Secondly, I also heard at a different funeral the rabbi announce that anyone could join in the Kaddish in memory of the loved one who had passed as long as they had lost a parent.  What is all that about?

ANSWER:  You are absolutely correct.  The people who cut kriyah, the cutting of one’s garment that one does at the time of the loss (or the black ribbon that one wears if one is more liberal) is performed only for shiva relatives.  By shiva relatives I mean those loved ones that we lose for whom we sit shiva.  That would include a spouse, a mother or father, son or daughter, and a brother or sister.  Any other relatives even if we feel very close to them such as grandparents or grandchildren or aunts and uncles or in-laws are not officially mourned nor do we sit shiva for them.  It would therefore be inappropriate for those people to wear black ribbons or cut their garments.  Some liberal rabbis meaning well for the purpose of inclusion in trying to make the extended family feel better at such a time of sorrow often will include other members of the family in the “ribbon wearing.”  Halachically, or according to Jewish law, that is inappropriate.  Shiva is reserved for only those relatives for whom official mourning is dictated by Jewish law.  As a matter of fact, very few of the mourning laws are found in the Torah.  Ironically the laws of cutting one’s garment and whom one sits shiva for are found specifically spelled out in the Torah.

The saying of Kaddish is an entirely different subject.  Kaddish is obligated in Jewish law only for a parent, a blood mother or father.  Any other relative even if it is a shiva relative such as a brother or sister or spouse does not mandate the saying of Kaddish.  Many individuals opt to say Kaddish for the full eleven months for a spouse or a brother or sister or other relatives.  That is very meritorious but not mandated by Jewish law.  One can say Kaddish for anyone as long as they are of the Jewish faith.  We had a member of our congregation who said Kaddish for an entire eleven months for a close friend — that is what I call commitment!  It needs to be spelled out however that all these examples of saying Kaddish for friends or distant relatives is by choice and not mandated by Jewish law.

If one understands a little bit of the history of the mourner’s Kaddish then perhaps I can more easily answer your question about Kaddish being reserved for those people who have lost a parent.

Originally the mourners Kaddish was known as “the orphan’s Kaddish.”  In Hebrew it is still called that.  The Kaddish was designed specifically for a pre-Bar Mitzvah youth to be able to say memorial prayers for his late parent.  Since children could not lead services or do anything else that adult mourners could, the mourners Kaddish was created as a child’s prayer for their late parent.  Knowing that we now understand that this Kaddish that we call the “mourners Kaddish” is really a Kaddish for someone who has lost a parent.  It was only in later years the the saying of Kaddish for other relatives was added.

Because of that the tradition developed that one does not say Kaddish if one’s mother or father are both still living out of respect to them.  An exception is made if one asks permission of both one’s mother and father that they do not object to one’s saying Kaddish, it can then be recited.

Jerusalem — All week we had been watching with horror the scenes on television and reading about the Carmel fire in the newspapers, the 10,465 acres destroyed and 43 victims.

When the Jewish National Fund (Keren Kayemet l’Yisael, see box at right) invited foreign correspondents to tour the Carmel with the professional foresters of KKL-JNF to learn about the fire damages and rehabilitation plans, we were eager to go.

In a few short hours, we were following the giant leaps the fire had taken a few days before. The smell was in my nostrils, the black embers were under my tennis shoes and the puffs of smoke were still smoldering in a few places by a house in Kibbutz Bet Oren and in the Carmel Forest, four days after the Carmel fire was declared suppressed.

Standing first at an observation point below Haifa University, where the main command post had been established, Israel Tauber, director of forest management for the KKL-JNF, told us this was the worst wild fire ever experienced in Israel in terms of "intensity, size and casualties."

Michael Weinberger, director of the supervisor’s office of forests in the Western Galilee, told us how he saw the mushroom over the Druze village of Isafiya, at approximately 11:30 a.m. on Thursday, Dec. 2, and decided to bring on the northern region fire crews and the duster airplane, feeling "this would be a huge fire," since it seemed to be running a mile per hour. One hundred and twenty men and 12 fire engines, 70 percent of the country’s forces, were called up to assist what seemed to be man-made, probably due to neglect, which had started at Isafiya.

Kalil Adar, director of the forest department for the northern region of JNF, showed us maps, as we stood 1700 feet above sea level, pointing out how the fire appeared on the peaks of the ridge then to the west and northwest. The strong, dry eastern winds, low humidity and lack of rain for the past eight months contributed to the intensity. «I›ve never seen such a situation regarding intensity and crazy behavior,» said Adar. Seeing the black hills made the fire even more real to us.

Our next stop was Kibbutz Bet Oren. In 1934 the kibbutz was settled as part of a watch tower and stockade camp then after an Arab attack two years later, it was abandoned, only to be refounded in 1939. In 1999, members petitioned the High Court of Justice to classify it as a cooperative society, and today it has gone privatized and is a community village. It operates a hotel and spa, horse riding center, lead factory, glass work shop, membership-based swimming pool, a pub with live bands and a mountain-bike store offering bikes, repairs and guided trips.

We climb a hill and meet Yohay Cohen, born on the kibbutz and now co-owner of the spa attached to the hotel. Yohay explained that although the village had created an emergency team several months ago, they had no special uniform or identification to show to those who were part of the official fire-fighting crews, so when they received a call at 11:30 calling for evacuation, buses came first to remove the children and the elderly. The rest of the people were also evacuated, leaving only the emergency team. The Haifa Police Chief Deputy Commander, Ahuva Tomer, then came and told them to evacuate.

She continued to the road, across the valley, where the bus of prison service cadets was traveling. It was consumed by fire and she too was fatally burned in her car, while following the bus.

Yohay relates how he stood on the road of the kibbutz, looking across the wadi 600-700 meters in the distance. He could see the bus coming on the road as it hit the fire. «I asked myself, who would send a bus of people into the fire?"

On the kibbutz, Yohay explained how "the fire came down the mountain, its fumes were very strong, it went past the road and burned the [kibbutz] night club." It continued on, consuming 15 buildings containing 40 apartments.

He walked us down the road, past the yellow ribbons, further into the kibbutz. We were shocked to see the burned-out apartment buildings where smoke is still smoldering. Right off the path there was a pile of burned objects taken from the destroyed apartments. I was so touched by toys, a doll, a bath tub. Further on were two burned-out skeletons of cars. The kibbutz was unable to get water to the burning areas because the water pumps were electrically controlled and the electricity had been interrupted, he told us.

In one burned-out building they found a room, unknown to the kibbutz, where the Haganah had stored weapons, prior to 1948.

Kalil Adar, director of the forest department for the Northern Region of KKL-JNF, explained how the falling missiles in the 2006 Second Lebanon War created fires, "but we confronted the fires. You didn’t see the enemy; you didn’t know when the next missile would fall and for the first time, we had the feeling we might die because of the missiles falling. As commander of the crews, I can tell you, the people were very brave and very strong."

Michael Weinberger, director of the supervisor’s office of forests in the Western Galilee, says that since those fires, 20 fire trucks were purchased but without the planes sent in to help this time, the damage would have doubled from this fire.

We board the van, drive down the hill and out of the kibbutz and then across the wadi to the road to drive past the site of the bus burning. There is bumper to bumper traffic with people stopping to gaze at or add to a memorial by laying flowers and candles at this location. It is so unreal to be where this happened.

From here, we drive up to the Carmel forest across the road from the luxury Carmel Spa resort. The smell is strong as we stand among the burned embers. We hear how the area was engulfed in smoke last Friday night and they saw the fire coming toward the hotel. This is one of the only spots where you could get to the fire from fire engines.

In this mixed forest with pine trees and oaks, we learn how rehabilitation of the forests will take place. They hope the area will have pine seedlings in three to four months and the natural oaks will grow on their own. Every section will be planned because the area is sensitive and the issue is sensitive, but it may be 30-40 years before there is a forest. In the meantime, people will not be allowed to walk in the area while the young seedlings take root.

Dr. Omri Boneh, director of the KKL Northern Region and with KKL for 28 years, speaks to us while we stop for lunch in a picnic area. Trails, picnic areas and sites, located in the burned areas, will need to be rehabilitated. On a happier note, all of the animals in the nearby Hai Bar wild life refuge were saved.

Israel Tauber, director of forest management for the KKL-JNF, tell us "there were no forests or vegetation before the state was established. Bringing back the forests was a kind of national goal."

Kalil Adar, director of the forest department for the Northern Region of KKL-JNF adds that, "to the KKL crews, the forest is our day-to-day life. A few battles were won but not the whole war."

About KKL-JNF

Keren Kayemet l’Yisrael

At least monthly people walk into my congregation, The New Reform Temple in Kansas City, Mo., and tell me they have never been inside the building before. Some are newcomers to Kansas City, some have lived here their whole lives. I am sometimes amazed at how little most of us know about other congregations as well as Jewish Kansas City sites and personalities in our area.

In March 2002, at the request of my friend and editor of "Hadassah" magazine, Alan Tigay, I wrote a piece about Jewish life in Kansas City. The piece compared Jewish life in Kansas City to the lives of Jews in China. The piece was titled "Jews in the Middle Kingdom." In it I exalted our Jewish community and institutions. I also acknowledged that most people outside of Kansas City are totally unaware of our existence or how good we really have it here. Every one of us is likely to have been asked by a surprised fellow Jew: "Really? There are Jews in Kansas City?"

Kansas City is not only a great place to live, but it has places and personalities that are relevant for Jews nationwide as well as worldwide. We also have institutions that represent major Jewish thoughts, ideas and ideals. We are blessed with a multitude of congregations as well as chapters of national and international Jewish organizations.

In this column, which will run the first and third weeks of every month, I hope to explore the many Jewish treasures in Kansas City as well as the ideas and historical processes that led to the shaping of our Jewish community. Thus I call the column "Jewish places, Jewish times."

I am honored to be associated with the Jewish Community Archives because it is a repository of our collective Jewish memory. It also gives me great joy to lead people on Jewish tours of Kansas City.

There are so many unknown Jewish treasures, such as former synagogues and communal buildings, a myriad of sites and people associated with President Harry Truman as well as cemeteries where some interesting and noteworthy individuals are buried. In Eudora, Kan., located near Lawrence, sits the oldest Jewish cemetery in this part of the world. It was created by the earliest Jewish pioneers in 1859 and is still used today by the Lawrence Jewish community.

The now defunct Jewish community in Leavenworth, Kan., was the first white settlement in the Kansas Territory. Today only the former temple building, transformed into the Temple Apartments, and the cemetery remain in the Kansas City area. Elmwood Cemetery on Truman Road was the first dedicated Jewish burial ground. Recently a book was written highlighting some of the burials. They include the first Jewish settlers in the area, the first rabbi and the founder of Sears Roebuck.

Our treasures are not limited to sites or buildings. There are many people in our area who have lived interesting, eventful and meaningful lives. Loeb Granoff, for instance, has shared with me vivid memories of the events that led to President Truman’s recognition of Israel. We have in our community both Holocaust survivors as well as soldiers who liberated concentration camps. We have Jews who have served in our military, as well as in Israel’s. There are families in our community that descend from the earlier pioneers who arrived in Kansas City when the city was still called Westport Landing as well as descendants of people who settled the Jewish agricultural colonies created in the Kansas Territory at the end of the 19th century.

There is so much to explore and to learn about! We only need curiosity and willingness. I hope you are as excited as I am to do some of the exploring of our rich and diverse community with me.

Mental illness isn’t fun. And, nothing in my 56 years of experience prepared me for dealing with mental illness when it struck my family. Seemingly out of the blue, our loved one’s puzzling behavior began disrupting our lives in ways we could have never imagined. It took us more than seven years to untangle the fact that she was suffering from anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder, all of which had been triggered by post-traumatic stress disorder that had emerged during her college years. Compounded by addiction to prescription drugs, our loved one’s journey took literally dozens of specialists to discover her underlying illnesses and find adequate resources to develop a path to recovery.

Mental illness stinks. And, understanding what mental illness is or how these brain disorders can affect your loved one and your family takes a lot of effort on your part. This is due to two factors. First, stigma about mental illness and substance abuse is still pervasive in the 21st Century, stifling our ability to talk openly about these things and suicide.

Second, our fractured health care system poorly supports the identification and treatment of brain disorders like anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia. In fact, Kansas earned a "D" from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) in 2009 in their report entitled: "Grading the States: A Report on America’s Mental Health Care System for Serious Mental Illness." We weren’t at all prepared for this fractured and substandard level of care – not in the country that has the "best health care in the world." And, I’m an educated, upper-middle class individual who has access to health insurance. What happens to those families who don’t have the education or resources to advocate for help in their time of crises?

Mental illness stinks. And, it doesn’t just stink for me, my loved one and my family. We are not unique. In fact, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) found in a 2009 survey that over 45 million of us had experienced serious mental illness in the preceding year. Additionally, more than 20 percent of those who struggled with mental illness in 2008 were also suffering from a serious substance use disorder (abuse or dependence on alcohol, prescription or illicit drugs). And, if we weren’t the ones suffering, we were likely to be the ones supporting those who are suffering.

Yes, mental illness stinks for all of us. But, it doesn’t have to. Get busy talking; get educated, get the facts and get help for your loved one and for yourself. In fact, DEMAND IT! And, one of the best places to begin is NAMI (www.nami.org), the largest grassroots mental health advocacy organization in the country. Through educational programs like the upcoming Family-to-Family program, you can find help and hope for developing a path to recovery for your loved one and your family. We did!

So take that first step toward mental health. Join me and my co-facilitators for the program and make a difference in your family’s life.

If you would like to register for the Family-to-Family program, contact Susie Hurst with Jewish Family Services, (913) 327-8250 or email her at .

Joy Koesten holds a doctorate in communication studies from the University of Kansas and teaches graduate courses in health communication, research methods, interpersonal and organizational communication at KU’s Edwards Campus. She is also a certified teacher for the Family-to-Family course through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Koesten will facilitate this free course in partnership with Jewish Family Services beginning Jan. 10, 6:30-9 p.m. in Conference Room B at the Jewish Community Campus.

As you can see, we’re making changes at The Chronicle. In addition to the ownership changes, I’ve been appointed editor. But we’re making more than just personnel and ownership adjustments.

The biggest change is that we will no longer put the bulk of our news deep inside the paper. If there’s an important local news story or event happening, most likely you will see it on pages 1, 2 or 3. From now on you’ll find letters to the editor and opinion columns toward the back of the paper.

We’ve heard that you want to see more stories about local Jewish people. We will try to accomplish that by telling you about your neighbor’s new business, our children’s academic accomplishments and your friend’s latest community honor. And we’ll focus on photos. We show our preschoolers, religious school students, teens and seniors having fun on a beautiful fall day or performing service projects within our community.

Among those killed in the fire that raged here in Israel was David Navon. David was a warm, gentle man from Nes Tziona who leaves behind his wife of 25 years and two children. David was the bus driver transporting the prison service workers to evacuate 500 inmates from the prison located in the path of the fire. Reports say that gusts of wind helped the massive flames travel over 1,500 meters in less than 3 minutes. There was no escape on the tiny road from Atlit to Beit Oren. David was one of our regular drivers at IsraelExperts and had touched the lives of countless visitors to Israel. May his memory be a blessing.

The horrible disaster in the Carmel Forest and Haifa area has taken a tremendous toll with more than 40 dead; hundreds of homes burnt; some 25,000 people evacuated from 15 different communities; over 12,000 acres of land scorched; an estimated 5 million trees destroyed. The young, vibrant artist community of Ein Hod, Kibbutz Beit Oren, the Druze village of Isfiya, the Arab village of Ein Hud, the Yemin Orde Youth Village, the Hai-Bar Nature Reserve — all devastated by the fire. The dead include Arabs and Jews, men and women, and new immigrants from Ethiopia and the Former Soviet Union.

As they have done so many times since the 1930s in a wide-variety of very different circumstances, individuals and communities from across the county have opened their homes to provide food, clothing, shelter, warmth and comfort to those who have been evacuated. It’s been a blessing that, at times the children are able to forget for a bit, and enjoy the vacation-like feeling of living on a kibbutz, in a hotel, in someone’s home or in a community center. For the parents, it’s more complicated as they worry about what they will and will not find waiting for them when they return to their homes.

It seems like the topic of the Holocaust has been extensively covered by books and movies from every possible angle. The voluminous amount of information may have some people saying enough already. To refute that notion Israeli female filmmaker Yael Hersonski brings something both old and new to the table with "A Film Unfinished," a powerful documentary that exposes the false perception of reality conveyed by a Nazi propaganda film of life for the Jews trapped inside the walls of the Warsaw Ghetto in May 1942. It opens today for a limited engagement exclusively at the Glenwood Arts.

Renewing and refreshing old memories

Almost six months ago, we began the Circle for Yiddish Learning with the goal of learning more about the language as well as the culture of those ancestors who lived and laughed and cried in the Middle and Eastern parts of Europe. I am proud to report that for those who have frequently joined us for lunch and a bit of learning, it has been a great and wonderful experience. We all have become a bit more familiar with the language and, almost more importantly, we all have a greater understanding of the people themselves, heightening the joy we have experienced.

I cannot speak for anyone but myself ; all of our co-attendees must do that for themselves. But let me tell you of the experience I have had. I lost my mother over 55 years ago and I lost my father over 46 year ago. Prior to June 1, when our Circle was born, the memories of both of them had grown dim. It had even become difficult to reach back and pull up some of those wonderful memories I had grown up with through my first 18 years of life.

I moved east from Denver almost 40 years ago and have been to visit their graves only a very few times, so even those have grown very dim in my memory and the ease of speech of that wonderful language that had been the byproduct of that generation of ancestors.

I am so grateful to Congregation Beth Torah for providing the space for this Circle of ours and for all of the new friends who have joined me from so many different walks of life as we all have awakened our collective memories of our ancestors, now long ago Blessed Memories. We all welcome any and all of you to join us each Friday at noon for a bit of lunch and a bit of study as we re-awaken all of those memories that have made us all who we are.

I simply cannot tell you how much this Circle has changed me and how my new friends have enriched me as I remember.

Call me at (314) 477-4309 so we have lunch waiting for you.

Ray Davidson

Overland Park, Kan.

JERUSALEM — The other day Barbara Bayer, Kansas City Jewish Chronicle editor, picked up her home phone, dialed a 913 number and we connected.

That’s because we have a plan that allows others to call us as if we were in the same country. When we came to Israel, my daughter, Elissa, who had made aliyah in 2004, told us to order a Vonnage box and sign up. You have to bring it in with you. When we moved into our apartment, it was connected through our computer and we installed a phone in my office. For a set fee each month, we can call the States as often as we like and talk as long as we like and enjoy business and family relationships.

Those abroad can also call us (just remember we are eight hours later!). We’ve had our share of early morning calls, like the time our accountant called at 2:30 a.m. My husband, Barry, answered, good morning. He answered, oh, isn’t it afternoon there? Somehow he thought we were eight hours earlier.

But, as Barbara said, what a different it is than when you wrote for The Chronicle 30 years ago.

Milton Firestone (z"l) would either call me long distance or send me an air-mail letter if he had an assignment. If it was urgent, he would send a telex to the Government Press Office which would place it in my mail box.

After completing the assignment, I would type it up on an electric typewriter with two carbon copies, keep a carbon for myself, take a bus to town to the Government Press Office where I would show the original and leave a copy with the censor, then walk to the Main Post Office where I would either send it by telex or mail it special delivery.

Of course photographs had to be sent by mail and I recall Milton’s major complaint was when the story arrived on time but the photographs came too late.

Now we have the Vonnage phone for overseas calls, a land phone for local calls, two cell phones (Barry and I each have one), two computers (one for each of us), two printers (one for each of us) and a fax machine.

Amazing how easy it is now to communicate and to send out stories!

"Quick & Kosher: Meals in Minutes" by Jamie Geller (Feldheim Publishers, $34.99 hardcover, December 2010)

In 2007, "Quick & Kosher: From the Bride Who Knew Nothing" by Jamie Geller was published.

Now, five years after her marriage and four children later, she offers us 217 recipes based on her past five years’ experiences and her current position as chief marketing officer of Kosher.com and a New York City TV producer.

The triple-tested recipes have very clever chapter headings — If You’ve Got 20 Minutes, If You’ve Got 40 Minutes, and If You’ve Got 60 minutes. Among recipes in the "20 minutes" category are: Beef and Green Bean Stir Fry, Fines Herbes Goat Cheese Omelet and Mozarella Mushroom Burgers.

In the "40 minutes" chapter are: Aromatic baked Flounder over Capellini, Chicken Marsala and Honey-Glazed Skewered Beef.

If you’ve got 60 minutes, you can really expand your talents with Beef Bourguignon with noodles, Smoked Salmon Crepes and more.

Subsequent chapters include: Holiday Meals, What’s New in Kosher, Become an Expert Wine Taster in 10 Minutes Flat, Kosher.Com, Cheese and more.

Each recipe is preceded by a full-color photograph and after the recipe is a recommended wine and comments relating the wine to the recipe. Many recipe pages have the primary recipe paired with an accompanying recipe. Blueberry Cheese Quesadillas is accompanied by Sweet Potato Leek Soup; Loaded Baked Potato is accompanied by Chopped Salad; Vegetarian Chili is accompanied by Homemade Corn Bread.

Personally, as a busy woman who cooks practically every day and entertains a lot, I found the book extremely useful on a practical level with many old ideas as well as new, creative dishes to try.

Don’t neglect to read the glossary with clever definitions.

Give this book as a gift to any kosher cook and she’ll love you for it!

Here are some recipes from the book for Chanukah and a motse Shabbat after New Year’s Eve evening.

Jumbo Potato Pancake

Makes 6 wedges

3 potatoes

1 t. rosemary

2 t. salt

1 t. black pepper

1 lightly beaten egg

3 T. melted pareve margarine

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2. Peel and shred potatoes on large hole of grater or in food processor.

3. Toss potatoes, rosemary, salt, pepper, egg and 1 T. margarine in a bowl.

4. Heat 2 T. margarine in 6-inch non-stick ovenproof skillet. Spread potato mixture over bottom of skillet to make one large pancake. Cook for 10 minutes.

5. Place in preheated 375 degree oven and bake 30 minutes more. Remove from oven and let cool for 5 minutes. Cut into 6 wedges.

Samosa Latkes

6 servings

3 shredded potatoes

1 finely chopped medium onion

½ cup thawed frozen peas

¼ cup matzoh meal

2 large beaten eggs

¼ t. curry powder

1 t. salt

1 cup canola oil

sour cream

1 10-ounce jar chutney

1. Line a cookie sheet with paper towels.

2. Mix together potatoes, onion, peas, matzoh meal, eggs, curry powder and salt in a bowl.

3. In a large nonstick sauté pan, heat ¼ cup oil for l minute. Ladle ¼ cup batter per latke, spreading to form a 3-inch round. Make three latkes at a time. Reduce heat and cook 4 minutes one each side until golden. Place on paper towels to drain.

4. Continue making three latkes at a time until all batter is used.

Serve with sour cream and chutney.