QUESTION: Why does the seder on both of the first two nights of Passover have to start at or after dark? Also why do we use four cups of wine as well as a cup of Elijah?

ANSWER: The Exodus from Egypt took place in the dark of night. The seder is a reliving of that experience that we have been doing for thousands of years. Jewish law mandates that the seder take place at night as the Exodus took place at night.

Furthermore, Jewish law for more than a thousand years has required that the four cups of wine be consumed at night. The very first cup of wine is the Kiddush which is recited as the very first ingredient in the seder ceremony; therefore, the Kiddush has to be also recited after dark for one to fulfill the mitzvah or commandment of the four cups of wine.

Obviously, there are exceptions to these rules — nursing home residents, ill individuals, people who have exceptional circumstances in their lives — all have leniencies extended to them by Jewish law.

I do find it rather ironic that individuals who can stay to the 13th or 14th inning of a ball game out at Kauffman Stadium until midnight or later find it inconvenient to stay up for a seder. This is a once or twice a year experience that should be performed according to the Jewish tradition that we have been observing for more than 3,000 years!

As far as children are concerned,  Jewish law over a thousand years ago was concerned about kids staying awake for the seder. So, instead of moving the seder to an early hour in violation of the tradition, the thought was to feed the kids a little early and then give them games to play so that they can really share the experience. Show me a child who does not want to stay up late at night anyway.

As far as the four cups of wine are concerned,  in Exodus, Chapter 6, G-d promises that He will take the Jews out of Egypt and redeem them and save them. In that narrative G-d uses four words to talk about the Exodus and His redemption of the Jewish people from Egypt. The rabbis then said that the four cups of wine represent those four terms of redemption that we find in our Bible.

There was some controversy about a fifth term which speaks about G-d then bringing the Jewish people into the land of Israel, their promised heritage. The final decision about whether to have five cups of wine or four was resolved as being four. But a fifth cup of wine, the cup of Elijah, would be utilized for that fifth term. Furthermore, since that fifth cup of wine represents being brought into the land of Israel and future redemption, Elijah is the perfect individual who heralds the coming of the Messiah and the final redemption as being the source of that fifth cup of wine.

When I read the article in The Forward (Blood and Boils and Beasts, Oh My! Telling the Story of the 10 Plagues, Without Scaring the Kids, published April 6, http://www.forward.com/articles/136789/#ixzz1JK7SOifV)

I thought I’d plotz: Now we’re supposed to be concerned about the 10 Plagues’ psychological effects on our delicate little tatelehs? I give you a few excerpts from this absurd piece:

“It leads me to wonder,” says Nussbaum. “Is it possible to engage with the Seder’s graphic illustrations of God’s might without leaving the kids emotionally or spiritually scarred?”

Oh, please. This is clearly an attempt to find a “fresh angle” to a festival about which — admit it — everything’s already been said.

“Some of the things [in the Haggadah] sound amazingly scary and awful,” said Miami-based psychotherapist and author M. Gary Neuman.

So now we’re consulting psychotherapists about the Haggadah’s effect on the kinder? Spare me.

Then we have psychologist Clark Goldstein helpfully advising parents to:

“…take their cues from their children, paying attention to the child’s age and disposition … If the child brings up concerns … address them. Try not to ask leading questions, like, ‘Does that section scare you?’ Let them lead with any concerns or questions they might have.”

Dear God. Was this quote lifted from some Parents’ Guide to Divorce or God Forbid, Death? Have we lost our minds? This is nothing less than a meshugah stop along the coddling continuum. Disturbing? We were shown “Night and Fog” at Hebrew School at age 9, and I don’t recall ever even considering approaching my parents about its, shall we say, disturbing aspects. And now we’re supposed to add “Possible Effect of 10 Plagues on Yankeleh’s Sensitive Psyche” to our list of 21st-century Parenting Concerns, underneath Exposure to Germs and Abduction by Sex Predator?

Later on, Neuman adds: “Seder’s focus ‘should be about the children, and connecting to them.’ ”

Says who? Actually, if I hear one more person say this, I’m going to throw myself into a vat of locusts. Let’s take a minute to realign our tires here: The Haggadah was compiled between 160 and 360 CE. Granted, the Mishnaic concept of “engaging children” is obviously light years from ours; and certainly no one wants to return to the days of Uncle Moishe or Zayde droning through the Haggadah so tediously that a vat of locusts would actually have been a relief from your boredom, but does that mean we have to go to the other extreme and turn seder into an episode of Sesame Street?

Cannot seder be lively and thought-provoking without having to dodge whizzing stuffed frogs and Styrofoam hail? In short, where is it written that engaging has to equal fun? Fun is what Purim is for. Fun is what birthdays are for. Not everything that occurs in the presence of children has to be fun.

The Haggadah tells of a solemn, dramatic event, and the telling thereof should be appropriately solemn and dramatic. One of the major themes is to “tell your sons [i.e., children] of the Exodus. I’d venture that the reason Seder is so central to Jews’ collective memory is precisely because of its solemnity and drama. Do we want our kids’ memories of Seder to be no more impactful than an afternoon at Discovery Zone?

Next, I looked up the product pictured with the article, Passover Ten Plagues Finger Puppets. Here’s my Amazon review thereof:

“...products like this are a turn-off for me. First of all, a basic ‘requirement’ for me to buy any Jewish-themed product is the inclusion of Hebrew. Where’s the Hebrew? So right away I’m not buying it. The other turn-off is that I’m loath to add anything to the seder that’s not already there, especially if it’s something cutesy. You can have a good time at seder and include the kids without turning it into a nursery school. This is pushing it too far in that direction for me.”

It’s not the commercial aspect to which I object; I’m certainly in favor of clever, enterprising innovation. But to purport to sell a Jewish product sans Hebrew? Veto from here: Hebrew is what held us together for more than 2 millennia in the Diaspora; I refuse to patronize any Jewish enterprise that omits it. Even if the recipient doesn’t know Hebrew — and I’m aware that most Jews don’t — the visual of the Hebrew words for the plagues does have its effect, however small, and does transform the product into something that if not holy, is special: It’s not just another toy in the kids’ collection.

To that end, I wrote to both companies to ask: Where’s the Hebrew? Perhaps if others followed suit, the manufacturers would be convinced to add it; certainly no one would be opposed to its addition, and who knows? It might even boost sales.

I’m not calling for a boycott, here; Lord knows there are more important products to boycott; I simply seek to call attention to the fact that Hebrew is not just another language: It’s our “brand,” without it, we become “generic.” And I’ll jump into a vat of locusts before I let 5,000 years of history go down the drain like so much chametz.

Yam Erez, formerly Miriam Reiz, is a Kansas City native now residing in Ketura, Israel.

A few weeks ago, Palestinian terrorists entered an Israeli family’s home and slaughtered most of them, including small children and a 3-month-old baby. That event shocked the state of Israel and was supposed to shock the entire world in its brutality, but TV networks around the world reported that attack in a shameful way. CNN talked about an “alleged terrorist attack,” and networks in Germany didn’t even bother to report the event at all. I was not surprised, knowing the media’s approach toward Israel; but it made me think about how terrorists organizations use the media in such a way that eventually causes incitement against Israel.

We are living in an era of free and fast Information. It is not always accurate but you can always find it. That tool is helping countries and organizations, but it also helps terrorist groups. They know that public opinion is very important in democracies. As I see it, there are three ways these groups use the media. One is directed at their own followers. The purpose is to gain legitimacy by sending the message that they are winning and getting good results. For example, the Hamas organization in Gaza teaches small children how to be Shahids (die a martyr death by killing Israelis) and spreads lies about Israel, including anti-Semitic messages. They want the people in Gaza to know that they need Hamas and that it’s the only organization that can save them.

The second way they use the media is against their victims. The goal is to spread fear so that the citizens of Israel will put pressure on the government to give up. Photos from Gaza of people celebrating after suicide attacks on Israel, or what Hamas is doing regarding Gilad Shalit, the kidnapped Israeli soldier are only two examples.

And finally, they use the media to rally world-wide condemnation of Israel. We see how Hamas presents the marine blockade on Gaza, which they claim is leaving the people of Gaza without food. But “forget” to mention that the people in Gaza get tons of food through Israel. They ignore the fact that more weapons and missiles have been shipped into Gaza from Iran, as we saw with the ship Victoria a few weeks ago. Palestinian organizations have succeeded in convincing the world that Israel is a ruthless country. All the Palestinians have to do is send a fabricated picture to a major newspaper of a child who died and say that it was done by the Israelis. By the time someone checks the authenticity of the picture, it has already became a symbol.

The tragedy is that Hamas is doing such a “good” job of manipulating the media that people rarely want to hear what the Israelis have to say or, are interested to learn about the good things that Israel is doing for the world.

We tend to forget the meaning of fighting terror, and how different it is from a “regular” war. In fighting terror, civilians play a crucial role, especially if the country that suffers that terror is a democratic country.

In order to avoid being influenced by the information that is given to the media, often from the terrorists’ perspective, we have to learn more about the issues and events. Information today is like fast food. We need it here and now to satisfy the need to always know what is going on. But like fast food, it is not always “made” from the best ingredients, or in our case, the truth! In order to make up our minds about current events, we need to work harder to make sure that information is based on fact. One suggestion is to read articles from the Israeli media, too, in order to understand both sides. Two good sources are Ynet or Haaretz online.

We see the successes of the Palestinian organizations, especially in a lot of American colleges and universities. There, many anti- Israel groups are using aggressive methods to explain their perspective. They organize rallies that demonstrate against speakers from Israel. Unfortunately many Jewish students find themselves dealing with that challenge in addition to others. We have to ask ourselves if our children are ready to handle these issues. Do they have the tools to cope with the situation?

In order to give teenagers (grades 10-12) the facts and strategies to respond to “Israel bashing,” the Jewish Federation, AIPAC, Hyman Brand Hebrew Academy, JCRB/AJC, KU Hillel and JSU will sponsor a workshop on from 7 to 9 p.m. April 7 at the Jewish Community Campus. Our goal is to prepare them for the reality of anti-Israel activities on some of our campuses. Together we can show them a different side than what they see in the media, so that they can make up their minds about the situation based on the facts.

For more information about this event, contact me at (913) 327-8124.

My Purim was extremely memorable. Perhaps not totally in a good way, but memorable nonetheless. I spent Purim in Poland, together with some friends, who were seeking their Polish Jewish heritage and visiting their ancestral shtetlach, as well as searching archives for family documents.

On the Eve of Purim, we were in Czestochowa. The tourist information office led us to a “Jewish cultural Association” that still existed in town. I immediately called and spoke to a nice lady that could not speak English. My polish was incipient, so I had the bizarre experience of holding a conversation in Yiddish over the phone with a fellow Polish Jew, while walking the streets of Czestochowa. It was weird to think that in the last 60 years very few conversations in the Yiddish language have happened there.

There are today only 30 elderly Jews left in Czestochowa, down from almost 30 thousand in 1939! It turns out that they were not meeting for Purim for two reasons: they were not religious, nor were they able to get a minyan. The lady was also sorry but she had no idea where I could get a hamantaschen in Czestochowa. That conversation left me very sad and reminded me of an article written by my co-author, Bill Tammeus, who said that the Jewish memories in Poland today are mostly of absence.

Still bent on getting a hamantaschen, we decided to try our luck the next day in Krakow, our next destination. Krakow is a Jewish Epcot Center of sorts for Europe. Europeans go to Kazimierz to observe and experience a Jewish past that doesn’t exist any longer. Whereas the Nazis murdered the overwhelming majority of the city Jews (there are fewer than 200 left), almost all the institutions were left intact. In Kazimierz there are seven synagogues left, as well as several other ancient institutions such as schools, mikvahs, cemeteries, etc. In order to fulfill the tourists’ needs for “authentic Jewish food,” there are also about 10 “Jewish” restaurants. In these restaurants non-Jewish Klezmorim play Klezmer music while non-Jewish waiters serve non-Jewish patrons Jewish food cooked by non-Jewish cooks. Judaism and Jewish culture are not a living and breathing, changing and adapting entity as we know it, but rather something static, frozen in time. Jewish Culture is a sort of folkloric entity meant to be appreciated and enjoyed apart from Jews, mostly because they are not there any longer.

While searching for my hamantaschen in Krakow, I visited every single restaurant and saw in their menus “exotic” food items such as Purim Chicken (some sort of chicken with many items that made the dish very colorful), and Purim tea (with some kind of alcoholic beverage mixed in — I guess to fulfill the mitzvah of getting drunk on Purim). Finally, after an exhaustive and frustrating search, we found one place called Klezmer Hois, that served hamantaschen year-round. It was frustrating for us that while we were so excited to finally find a place that served hamantaschen, the restaurant staff failed to understand what the big deal was. They serve them year-round and were not aware of the holiday of Purim, nor of the connection between hamantaschen and Purim. To end this sad saga of the hamantaschen quest, they were expensive, hard and just horrible tasting.

The next day after my return to Kansas City, I ran to the Hen House in hopes of getting at least one decent hamantaschen. Luckily, the friendly Mendel was there to direct me to the last three packages left. I bought all of them. It felt good to be back home, and they were delicious!

Israel faces formidable challenges

Last Wednesday, many members of our community heard a young Israeli talk about the on-going campaign to delegitimize the state of Israel, and what American Jews should do about it.

In a distinctly Queen’s English, Sgt. Benjamin Anthony (a member of the Israeli Defense Forces reserves) shared with the audience his experiences, which included being on the receiving end of anti-Semitic physical attacks in the United Kingdom, to making aliyah and defending Israel as a member of her armed forces.

Anthony’s message couldn’t be clearer; the state of Israel is facing a formidable challenge. Her enemies have expanded their destructive efforts to cyberspace, educational institutions and the minds of future decision makers, politicians and legislators.

He reminded those present at his lecture that since the establishment of the state of Israel the Jewish Diaspora does not suffer from the fear of pogroms, forced exile or religiously motivated imprisonment. However, this freedom is not guaranteed. Anthony recounted how European Jews are experiencing the scourge of anti-Semitism once again.

His formula to counteract the demonization of Israel in American campuses is simple. Anthony advised all of us to teach Jewish history to our youngsters, from kindergarten to 12th grade. He strongly suggested that we should promote the learning of our Jewish history in synagogues, temples, community centers and in our homes. By this he means not only the history of biblical times, but also modern history, all the way to current events. The purpose of this task is not only to learn the numerous lessons that we can apply to today’s challenges, but also to strengthen our backbone.

When visiting Jewish audiences, Anthony often hears, “You are preaching to the choir.” His response, “Perhaps, but the choir is not singing.”

Well said.

Eduard de Garay
Overland Park, Kan.

Confronting prejudice from within

I was truly saddened to read the letter entitled “Appalling support,” in the March 11 edition of The Chronicle, which condemned Beth Shalom as “a stain” for sponsoring Boy Scout Troop 61, and for celebrating Scout Shabbat in my synagogue.

It is sad that the writer did not ascertain the full set of facts before denigrating our institution and our children’s celebration of their Judaism within Scouting.

As recently as two weeks ago I reaffirmed directly, formally and in person to the new Scout executive for our region that “We oppose the policy against homosexuals. We consider it bigoted and wrong. The day that policy is enforced in this area or against our Troop will be the day we tear up our charter and reject our role as a chartering organization. We will continue to work to overturn that policy in the days and years ahead.”

In response, we have been repeatedly told by Boy Scouts that the local packs and troops operate according to their own local policies on this issue. Our policy is open to all adults and youth, regardless of sexual orientation, which I believe to be a creation of God.

What was the event that provoked this criticism? On “Scout Shabbat” we celebrated our boys who have earned their Religious Emblems in Judaism. Their emblems had everything to do with their Judaism, as observed in service to others. When the writer criticized that celebration, he demeaned a ceremony of Jewish pride among our youth.

Think about our loyalty to America: Despite institutional prejudice in many areas of American governance, I remain a proud American fighting for justice from within the system. I supported our troops before during and after “Don’t ask, don’t tell” and publicly opposed any prejudice in the armed forces. I do not reject America for this policy, but seek to improve it through my positive and determined participation. I feel the same about Boy Scouts.

Ultimately I believe that the values of the Scout oath and law — to do one’s best, to do one’s duty to God and country, to help other people at all times and to keep oneself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight will win out over all prejudice within the system. I plan on continuing to try to make that happen from within.

In a pluralist society, the real test is whether you can get along with peaceful people with whom you disagree. That is the essence of pluralism and democracy. As a rabbi and as a father, I have found Boy Scouts to be an excellent environment for that basic lesson.

Rabbi Robert Tobin

Congregation Beth Shalom

Rabbi Tobin is senior rabbi at Congregation Beth Shalom and Institutional Head, Troop 61, Boy Scouts of America

“What is Tribefest?” the woman on the elevator asked me as she quizzically examined my conference name tag. “Ummm, it’s a young Jewish leadership conference” I replied uncertainly. “What’s that all about?” the man seated across the poker table from me asked upon glancing at my badge. “Well, you see, it’s a celebration of Jewish music, art and culture” I stammered. “Sounds like an excuse to go to throw a big party” the man laughed in reply.

The truth is that “Tribefest,” officially billed as “an entertaining, interactive and educational celebration for more than 1,500 Jewish young adults (ages 22-45) from across North America” over the course of three days in Las Vegas, was all of those things … and more. Designed to attract young Jews to the Federation, the conference was created with my generation’s multi-tasking, iPhone-addicted tendencies in mind. In other words, the idea was seemingly to throw as much programming at attendees as possible with the hope that something would connect.
Thus the opening event included speeches from perhaps the most eclectic group of Jews ever assembled, including: a beat-poet, a congresswoman, an Israeli counterterrorist and former child actress. This “opening ceremony” was immediately preceded by nine (nine!) simultaneous breakout sessions which one could choose to attend covering topics as diverse as: interfaith families, Israeli entrepreneurship, Jews in American politics and a film about unconventional Judaism titled “Punk Jews.” Just as the “Sin City” marketing campaign implies — it really was possible to create your own adventure.

And for someone with a short attention span such as myself — someone who has bounced from city to city (New Orleans to Chicago and back home to KC) and from career to career (from business and accounting to medical school) — I found this to be a good thing. Upon arrival I was most excited about hearing from author Ben Mezerich (author of the book upon which the Oscar-nominated film “The Social Network” was based) and NFL team owners Mark Wilf (Minnesota Vikings) and Jonathan Kraft (New England Patriots). Perhaps unsurprisingly, however, my attention quickly drifted elsewhere. I wandered into a session titled “Adapting to Israeli Culture: An Inside Look From the Heart of Tel Aviv” which inspired me to inquire about the Federation’s “National Young Leadership” trip to Israel this summer. I found myself chatting with young entrepreneurs as they excitedly discussed their attempts to launch companies to rival Groupon and JDate. And I found myself mesmerized by the talent of Israeli “hip-hop violinist” Miri Ben-Ari as she performed a short set at an evening entertainment event.

All of which was fun and interesting but I, along with many other attendees, was still confused about what the event’s unifying message was. At least I was before listening to the dynamic and poignant speech delivered by Alina Gerlovin Spaulding which recounted how contributions to the Federation enabled her family’s emigration from an oppressive Eastern European nation to the United States. Gerlovin Spaulding spoke movingly about how her father — a former USSR Olympic hopeful — was near-death after a career-ending injury until the Federation stepped in with financial assistance and preserved his life and a future for his family. It underscored the fact that yes, although we all traveled to Las Vegas partly (or mostly) to have a good time, we were also there to take part in something bigger and more important. We were there to, in some way — any way — make a connection with an organization that can literally save lives. Mission accomplished, Tribefest.

Greg Herman traveled with six other young adults from Kansas City to the Jewish Federation of North America’s Tribefest, which took place March 6-8 in Las Vegas.

Earlier this month, I woke up to a YouTube video showcasing Christian Dior’s Creative Director John Galliano taunting a Jewish couple in a Paris bar. The drunken darling of fashion design was saying he “loved Hitler” — the criminal responsible for slaughtering six million Jews — and suggested his regret that Hitler didn’t finish the job by “gassing” all Jews.

In no time, this anti-Semitic rant went viral, angering Jews everywhere. I can just imagine the feelings of France’s beleaguered Jewish community, where the shocking rise in anti-Semitic attacks has caused a large percentage of Jews to leave the country or move to large cities.
Would the iconic Galliano’s rant spark deadly violence against Jews or would it be effectively confronted?

As the JCC celebrated Purim last week, the holiday commemorating arguably the first time a Jewish community faced destruction due to anti-Semitic hatred, I was struck by the eerie similarities between the Galliano and Purim stories.

According to the Purim legend, more than 2,000 years ago the prime minister of the Persian Empire, Haman, decided to kill all Jews because their leader, Mordecai, declined to bow down to him.

In the end, the Jews were saved because one woman had the courage to speak out — at great personal risk.

This heroine, Queen Esther, a Jewish girl, was recently taken by the King Ahashvayrosh to be his bride after an empire-wide search. But Esther dared not reveal her Jewish ancestry.

Though prodded by Mordecai to intervene with the King on behalf of her people after Haman publicized his deadly decree, Esther was reluctant. The King’s former queen had been killed for expressing herself, and Esther wasn’t sure how Ahashvayrosh would respond to her getting involved with political matters or the revelation that she was Jewish.

Finally, Esther exposed Haman’s plan to the king. Enraged at Haman’s vanity and pretentiousness, King Ashashvayrosh put Haman and his minions to death.

Galliano as Haman?

In Persia, Haman’s hatred unearthed enough xenophobia to mobilize a fighting force to carry out his deadly plan against defenseless Jewish citizens.

While not on the same scale, I wondered if Galliano’s tirade would similarly inspire haters to come out of the woodwork? Would it result in increased attacks on innocent French Jews and minorities?

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time this happened.

And even if no violence ensued, would the standard cast of Jewish organizations denouncing Galliano be enough to spur the good people — or Christian Dior — to take action against such a high profile bigot?

I had my doubts. And then, “Purim” happened.

This time, it wasn’t a queen, but a “Black Swan,” whose simple statement triggered the downfall of Galliano — today’s narcissistic caricature of Haman — and inspired good people to do the right thing.

“I am deeply shocked and disgusted by the video of John Galliano’s comments that surfaced today,” said Natalie Portman, the Oscar-winning actress and Christian Dior model and spokeswoman. “In light of the video and as an individual who is proud to be Jewish, I will not be associated with Mr. Galliano in any way.”

The next week, Galliano was fired by the king of the Christian Dior empire, CEO Sidney Toledano.

Toledano’s swift action was breath-taking, courageous and heroic. He could have made excuses for his superstar designer or merely censured him to protect the image of his company. Instead, Newsweek reported, “At the Paris couture shows, Christian Dior brilliantly erased the anti-Semitic eruption of its mercurial creative director” and set the right example for business and political leaders worldwide.

Toledano simply did the right thing. He uncharacteristically stood up to his company’s cash cow — and put it out to pasture.

While Galliano may have been sent packing if Portman had not spoken out, I do believe she was the difference-maker in this story.

Like Queen Esther, Portman could have chosen to maintain her safe position and lucrative lifestyle instead of making waves. She could have hidden behind the public figures whose jobs are to condemn bigotry.

Would anyone have really noticed if Portman stayed silent?

Instead, with great dignity and without rancor, Portman renounced her relationship with Galliano and the company that bankrolled his fame. This simple act of moral leadership and defiance set the stage for closing the curtain on Galliano.

There are many examples throughout human history — and in our daily lives — when a single, courageous voice emerges though all the white noise and pierces ambivalence to injustice.

This time it was Portman’s. Who will answer the challenge tomorrow?

Jacob Schreiber is the executive director of the Jewish Community Center of Greater Kansas City and lives in Leawood. He can be reached at .

QUESTION: We are being married in the near future in a traditional wedding ceremony. We were told by the rabbi that we could use two rings in the ceremony but they were to be given at different times and not in the same part of the ceremony. What is this all about?

ANSWER: To answer this question one has to speak a little about the history of the “double ring ceremony.” Prior to the late 1800s there was no such thing as a “double ring ceremony” in ANY religion! The concept of the bride giving her groom a ring developed in the late 1800s and early 1900s in Christianity. I presume it was seen as a sign of sexual equality.

Since the concept of a second ring being given by the bride to her groom began as a Christian ceremony, it should not be surprising that the more traditional wings of Judaism, particularly Orthodoxy, was reluctant to permit that as part of the Jewish ceremony.

There is a further complication in terms of giving a second ring. The Talmud talks about the various means and ways by which one can create a marital bond. One such means is by the groom giving his bride a ring. There are numerous ways of creating a marriage in Judaism, including a common law marriage tolerated but frowned upon in Jewish law. One of the topics discussed in the Talmud is that a marriage should not be created by means of an “exchange.” An exchange means where the groom gives his bride something and in return the bride gives something to the groom at the same time.

The reason that Jewish law frowns upon an “exchange ceremony” is because the groom has to be seen as clearly giving his wife a gift creating the marital bond. If the wife were to immediately turn around and return the same type of gift, such as a ring, to her husband it could bring some question on the ceremony, which might be seen as an “exchange ceremony.” The objection to the second ring has nothing to do with women’s rights or equality, but a legalism where the exchanging of rings is seen as very questionable in Jewish law.

Many Orthodox rabbis therefore will not perform a double ring ceremony at all. Some more liberal Orthodox rabbis and traditional rabbis as well as more traditional Conservative rabbis will permit a double ring in the following fashion. The giving of the second ring by the bride to the groom is separated and designated to a later part of the ceremony where there can be no appearance of “an exchange of rings.” Furthermore, if the bride opts to say something when she presents a ring to her husband, it CANNOT be the same wording that the groom uses in giving the ring to his bride because her act does not have the same legal consequence as his presenting a ring to her.

Many traditional brides and grooms will not use a second ring during the ceremony, but if the groom is going to wear a ring, he will put it on immediately after the ceremony.
One of my upcoming brides was surprised recently to find out that one did not have to have the bride giving a second ring to her groom; that a one-ring ceremony was not only permissible but preferable in Jewish law.

It is also interesting to note that Judaism because of its uniqueness likes to maintain its own traditions and customs separate from Christianity or any other religion. Therefore, if traditions and customs that were even originally Jewish become the mainstay of another faith — such as kneeling in Catholicism — then Judaism traditionally drops those practices that have become so Christianized. I suspect that some of the reluctance by many of the Orthodox rabbis to officiate at a double ring ceremony is based on the fact that its roots are in Christianity.

I am always moved by military honors at funerals. Often, when officiating at a funeral for a member of “the great generation,” as the people who lived through World War II are called, I witness the moving speeches, the flag folding, the taps; all signs and symbols of a grateful nation for the efforts and sacrifices that a particular individual made to ensure our current freedom and peace. Above all, however, what moves me is the realization that being American and being Jewish are intrinsically intertwined. Both identities are not in conflict, they complement each other. One cannot be a good Jew without being a loyal citizen of this country that welcomed our ancestors.

In Eastern Europe, Jews did not feel, nor were they made to feel, as true citizens of their countries. The relationship between Jews and their countries’ government and rulers was often difficult. Jews created all kind of subterfuges to survive. At the same time, Jews served with distinction and many gave their lives for their countries during several wars, including World War I and World War II. For instance in Poland, Jews comprised 10 percent of the military at the outset of WW II.

Military conscription and fighting for countries that denied the Jews even basic rights was not high in the list of priorities for most Jews. Thus, they engaged in bribes and tricks to avoid conscription. Among the survival tricks that Jews engaged in to avoid being drafted in the army was what came to be known as “the Jewish injury.” My own maternal great-grandfather had one of those. He did not have half of his index finger. I was told that it had been blown away by an “accidental shot.” This injury, which on the outset of WW I was sanctioned by rabbinic authorities, consisted of someone shooting at or cutting a part of the right index finger, the one body part absolutely crucial to shoot a rifle. With that injury, young men were automatically exempted from conscription. By sacrificing a small part of their bodies, they potentially saved their lives by avoiding going into battle.

Another common subterfuge used to avoid military conscription was not to file a death certificate for a boy who had died at a very young age (unfortunately a common occurrence); and then to use that birth certificate for a baby born a few years later. The reason for doing this, was that parents were able to send the second child in lieu of the first child (the one who had died) when he would be due for military conscription. The second child was sent home given that he would be too small to serve in the army. The army recruiters would assume he was 18 when in reality he may have only been 13 or 14.

I assume many readers may be offended by my telling of these events that appear to be less than honorable. Yet, I assume that our ancestors in Eastern Europe did what they had to do to survive and I can’t blame them. At the same time we must realize how fortunate we are to live in a time and place where we are happy and proud citizens of our country. Every time I am at the Jewish Community Center I stop to admire all the names engraved in the Jewish War Veterans display cases and think about how much we all owe our war veterans. I urge you to do the same next time you are at the JCC.