Whether you’re in a new relationship and are seeking ways to take things slowly or in an older relationship where romance needs to be reignited, Kelly Lieberman’s new book is for you.
The book is titled “A Million Things to do Between… The First Kiss and Sex.” It’s available on Kindle through Amazon.com for $9.99.
Lieberman, 54, was married for 20 years and has been divorced for nine. She said hitting the singles scene today is very different than it used to be, and just being “out there” has taught her a lot.
So from her own dating experiences she’s written a book about relationships. She holds a degree in political science from the University of Kansas and by day is an accomplished business development executive.
Lieberman said the persistent pleading of friends, family and acquaintances inspired her to write the book.
“I am one of those people that don’t have boundaries like most people so it really allows me to talk about (sex) without being embarrassed or shy,” she said. “A lot of people clam up and don’t want to share their own experience.”
New Relationships
Lieberman said she wants to show you how to take it slow in the beginning in order to assess whether the other person is right for you. If a guy gets fresh with her too soon, she tells him there are a million things to do to get to know each other first. That stops him in his tracks because he’s curious what those things are.
Of course, she doesn’t mean “million” literally. She means you have a lot of work to do before you get to “first base.” She said it’s not about abstinence because that’s unrealistic. But, for example, you have to first get the kissing right, which may require a little bit of instruction. Women have to tell men what they like — and vice versa.
“Work on it a little bit until it feels right, especially if everything else is there — they’re a good person, they’re kind, they’re funny and they have the attributes and characteristics that you’re looking for.”
Lieberman believes if you can’t make the other one feel comfortable with you in the first couple of dates or weeks in which you’re moving through the various stages, you’re never going to get comfortable. She said she would not move any further with a partner if she felt a hesitation at whatever stage they’re in.
“When you’re testing someone out or exploring someone in an intimate way, making out is a good way to find out if they’re a giver or a receiver, with just kissing, hugging, the way they hold your hand or touch you in a movie,” she said.
If they open the car door for you or make sure you don’t bump your head on the top of the door, those are good indicators of how a man is going to treat a woman in a relationship, said Lieberman.
“There are a lot of clues that people are missing,” she said. “We’re not looking so much for quality of character as their height, their weight, their financial status, the car they drive, how they dress. But it’s really how they treat you.”
Lieberman said she takes notice of what her date does when they pass a homeless person. She always has change in her pocket to give. Growing up Jewish has instilled in her a sense of tzedakah (charity). If her date frowns on that, she knows he’s not the one for her.
She also notices how he acts around people who are of different religions, different ethnicities. “I need someone who’s pretty liberal because I’m a lover of people and an optimist,” she said.
Older Relationships
Couples who have been with each other for a while or are married should be dating because if it’s the same old same old every day, it gets dull, Lieberman said. Once you’ve been together for 10 or 15 years, or even less, how do you bring back the spice and passion?
“It’s going to take more of an effort than it did in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make it and if you wait too long, I believe it just gets harder and harder,” she said. “By then people just give up, and then it’s awkward to bring back the passion because it feels forced and odd.
“For people who have gone too long, you can’t just throw a bunch of rose petals on a bed and get dressed up in a Victoria Secret outfit. That’s scary.”
She said you have to be flirtatious. If a man has his hand on your knee in a movie and the woman leans in closer it means she likes it and appreciates it. If we pay attention to these signs and respond to them, assure the other person that we appreciate it, we’ll get more of it.
Rekindling a relationship has to start off like it did in the beginning where you hold hands with somebody on a couch, or they start touching you way before the bedroom, she said. Work up to it over time, just like you would in a fresh relationship.
“You inspire people to be better when you are yourself,” said Lieberman. “Don’t wait for the other person to take the initiative, reach out yourself. You don’t have to be the aggressor; I like an alpha man. But when you’re in a relationship it’s not like the woman can’t initiate, and guys love it.”
Also, if you’re self-conscious about how you look, you’re not having very much fun; you’re too worried about how you appear, she said. Men just want women to feel comfortable in their own skin.
So when exploring a new relationship or trying to get your relationship back on track, start from the beginning by being kind to each other, Lieberman said. Touch each other, communicate with each other and get your hands on each other.
“In the book, it’s kind of like a progression, a guide to move you from one space to the next and people really do have a hard time knowing what that means,” she said. “There’s a fine line between flirtation and giving it away; it’s an art form. But if we practiced a little more we’d do better.
“Allow some time between each stage, really savor it like you would a four-course meal; it shouldn’t be fast food.”
Lieberman was brought up Conservative, but does not belong to a synagogue now. She said the synagogue is in her mind and she’s a very spiritual person.
“To me religion is a practice, so the thing that matters is how you treat others, how you behave in the world and that defines whether you’re a religious person or not,” she said. “Everything I’ve ever learned, like doing good deeds and tzedakah, the kind of person I am, is absolutely based on Judaism. It’s just the way I live my life.”
Melanie Edwards will be joining the KU Hillel staff as the innovation and engagement associate. Edwards is a KU Hillel alumnus who held multiple internships and traveled on the leadership missions to Israel and Europe. She will join the Hillel staff in August.
