Valentine’s Day — much like Halloween — is a holiday that has begun taking over our stores for more and more time each year. As it looms larger in our cultural landscape — and many of us are decades removed from premade valentine cards and candy hearts — it is worth looking at how Valentine’s day is in sync (or out of sync) with our Jewish values. {mprestriction ids="1,3"}The holiday itself has its roots, as its name implies, in the history of the medieval Christian martyr, Valentinus. It is still on a number of church calendars, and Jewishly you can make an argument in either direction whether or not Jews should — according to a strict interpretation of Jewish law — celebrate the holiday at all.
Instead of focusing on this aspect, I’d like to focus on the type of love that the holiday celebrates in our culture and if this vision of love is compatible with Judaism. What I think is positive about promoting “Valentine’s” love is a reminder that romance is a necessary ingredient to a loving relationship. This is a very Jewish idea. The sheva berachot read under the chuppah describe the couple as re-im ahuvim, “beloved companions.” The images of Song of Songs describe a passionate love that is sensual, emotional and physical. The Jewish wedding ceremony includes a public religious ceremony under the chuppah, but it also includes a very private, intimate moment called “yichud” where the couple has private time together after the public ceremony.
There is a negative aspect about the American Valentinization of love. It creates a false picture that love should be romantic, passionate, roses and love letters — all the time. This is, quite frankly, unrealistic. Ask any couple who has been married for more than 50 or 60 years. The language of the ketubah is decidedly unromantic. It speaks to the day in and day out obligations that provide a safe home for both partners. It is not unlike the love from “Fiddler on the Roof’s” song “Do you Love Me?” written by lyricist Sheldon Harnick. (After 25 years, “And I suppose I love you, too.”) Passion and security. Romance and tedium. Valentine’s day and “Fiddler.” We need it all.
Rabbi David Glickman is the rabbi at Congregation Beth Shalom.{/mprestriction}